Confessions of love…

          (The following blog evolved a lot from a treatise on love, to a self-examination of my own flaws and bitterness towards others. I pray that you will read it with an open heart and will pray for me as I continually strive to reach the mark in my race towards the high calling of our blessed Christ.)

          I am sitting here writing this blog with a heavy heart, not because I am depressed, or having a hard time in life, rather because I see loved ones, friends and family alike, turning away from Christ and following their own desires into oblivion. I shake my head in confusion, for all of them have claimed to know Christ, yet all of them seem to deny Him so easily. Why Jesus loves us, I just do not understand because we deny Him, at times daily, in the pursuit of our own selfish desires and wants. We speak His name in praise saying “Abba Father” and then we question His very existence in the next instant, by blatantly following our own flesh and doing our own thing.

          Yes, I have been very guilty of this. As Paul said, I am the chief of sinners, and I understand the responsibility placed upon my shoulders to be what Christ wants me to be. Why does He love me? I just can’t work it out. I am not deserving, and I am filled with human defects, so why would a perfect and holy God desire a relationship with me.

          I have a confession to make. Over the past few weeks I have been very bitter towards a few people within the body of Christ. Three pastors to be specific. And all for the exact same reason! “What did they do to you?” You might ask. The answer is nothing. I have tried multiple times to get into contact with these people for multiple reasons and they have consistently ignored me and left me hanging every time. One of these pastors I have never met, but I doubt that he would have a hard time taking 5 minutes to respond and to bless someone that has been praying for him and his church for quite some time. The other two I know very well, and I am very disappointed in them. Neither have a church or a ministry that is big enough for them to use busyness as an excuse. Why are they so unavailable? I ask myself, Are they not here for the body of Christ? Are they not meant to be there when we call upon them? And the answer that I have come to, and that the Holy Spirit has once again confirmed within me, is that we can count on NO man apart from Christ. It is just sad because I am so hungry to fulfill my calling and enter into the ministry, yet I do not want to associate with these men within my life because they have hurt me. And they are not the only ones… I have held onto bitterness for a long time for many others as well. This bitterness has started to defile me and I want nothing to do with it anymore. I would rather love than hate, and bless than curse. I pray now that the Lord will release me from this bitterness, and that I will be able to love them still, praying with the same vigor for their ministries and lives. And Lord willing, I hope to aid them should they ever have need of me.

          What is love? I have been asking myself the question for months, years in fact. What is love? The word of God says the following…

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but  rejoices with the truth.Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,endures all things. Love never fails.”

I Cor. 13:4-8a

 

          This chapter is the obvious answer to the question. It is, after all, called the “Love Chapter”. But I believe that the answer runs much deeper. In order to answer the question what is love we first have to look at what the word says pertaining to another question, that question being What is God? Beyond the obvious truths of His omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence, what else is God? The Bible tells us that “God is Love” (1 John 4:8). But how can we even begin to understand that truth? If God is love, then that means love is eternal, unchanging, all-powerful, and complete (truths already contained in 1 Cor. 13!). But based off what we know about God, from His word, what other characteristics can we give to attribute to His love?

          In a lot of instances God was angry with His people, out of His love for them and He punished people, as a father chastens a son. Out of His love for us He has destroyed nations and killed thousands of people in our defense, He has cursed nations as well, and allowed Satan to tempt us (attack in the case of Job). That aspect of God is not taught very much within the postmodern, emergent church, and sadly it is preached almost too much by the ultra fundamental evangelicals. God does what is best for us and that thought has shifted my view of love. So love is not just some earthly word is it? The American Heritage Dictionary defines love as “an intense affection for another person based on familial or personal ties”, but I believe that love is much more radical and much more intense.

So what do I believe love is? I believe love is this… Love is:

powerful,

passionate,

sacrificial,

truthful,

and real.

It is relational but exclusive,

friendly but angry,

logical,

and BALANCED!

          To love someone or something is to realize that in one’s own power one can’t love enough, so one then asks God to channel Himself through oneself towards that target which one desires to love in order to fulfill the holes and weaknesses one possesses. (A lot of “one” I know haha!)

          So, to the people in my life that have hurt me, and the three men mentioned earlier in this blog, I just wanted to say that I am no longer bitter at you. I love you, and I am praying blessings and truth for you. I do not care anymore how you have offended me, belittled me, hurt my feelings, mocked me, yelled at me, tried to physically hurt me, steal from me, lie to me, or have directed any other manner of evil against me because you have not sinned against me, but against God…and God still loved you enough to die for you. I wish that things were different, and that nothing had happened, but as God promises us in His word, He has and will continue to use ” EVERYTHING for good…” because I love Him.

          And to those same people… Because almost nothing is one sided pertaining to human hurts and strife, I apologize with everything in me for the wrongs that I have committed and the things I have done to offend you. Let this be a starting point for reconciliation and forgiveness within the body of Christ.

God bless you all!

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~ by Tim Kurek on September 20, 2007.

10 Responses to “Confessions of love…”

  1. Good Post! It sounds like you were really hurt. I would have wondered if they are false brethren. Forgiveness is one of the hardest commands, but when you forgive someone who otherwise does not deserve it, the clouds back and your set at peace.

  2. Nawww, they aren’t that. They are just men that seem to be too busy to respond to me. It’s not that big of a deal, it just hurt my feelings. One of them is the most powerful orators I have ever heard preach. Either way it’ll all be good.

  3. Praying for you in your continual pursuit to love, and nodding my head in agreement to your position that we can put our trust in God alone. Men, no matter how good or godly they appear, will always let us down. There is only One who is totally faithful and true… Jehovah Aman.

  4. Mat. 10:34-36

    “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.”

    It won’t come as a surprise for a true Christian that even his own friends and his very own family turn their backs on him because of Christ. It is expected of a Christian, for it is written.

    Hi Tim. I was just curious who this pastor is that you mentioned you were trying to contact but whom you never met. Is he avoiding you or maybe he’s too busy that he couldn’t notice your efforts? I’d rather judge him not for the circumstances are yet unclear.

    As for the other two, well, you said that you know them very well and I presume that likewise they know you. If they are ignoring you, then they are committing a grave mistake. For it is written:

    “But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:” – 1 Peter 3:15

    BE READY ALWAYS TO GIVE AN ANSWER TO EVERY MAN THAT ASKETH YOU A REASON OF THE HOPE THAT IS IN YOU. This is a characteristic of a pastor or religious leader that must always be evident. I hope that you possess this character too, Tim, as you aim to lead people to Christ.

    Have a nice day.

  5. Calvary Love

    by Amy Carmichael

    If I belittle those whom I am called to serve, talk of their weak points in contrast perhaps with what I think of as my strong points; if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting “Who made thee to differ? And what hast thou that thou hast not received?” then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I find myself taking lapses for granted, “Oh, that’s what they always do,” “Oh, of course she talks like that, he acts like that,” then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I can write an unkind letter, speak an unkind word, think an unkind thought without grief and shame, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I do not feel far more for the grieved Savior than for my worried self when troublesome things occur, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I can rebuke without a pang, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, “Just what I expected” if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I am afraid to speak the truth, lest I lose affection, or lest the one concerned should say, “You do not understand,” or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness; if I put my own good name before the other’s highest good, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I am content to heal a hurt slightly, saying “Peace, peace,” where there is no peace; if I forget the poignant word “Let love be without dissimulation” and blunt the edge of truth, speaking not right things but smooth things, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I hold on to choices of any kind, just because they are my choice, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into self-pity and self-sympathy; If I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve round myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have “a heart at leisure from itself,” then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If, the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold, I do not shut the door, and keep that door shut, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I take offense easily, if I am content to continue in a cool unfriendliness, though friendship be possible, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I feel injured when another lays to my charge things that I know not, forgetting that my sinless Savior trod this path to the end, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I feel bitter toward those who condemn me, as it seems to me, unjustly, forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If souls can suffer alongside, and I hardly know it, because the spirit of discernment is not in me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If the praise of others elates me and their blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I crave hungrily to be used to show the way of liberty to a soul in bondage, instead of caring only that it be delivered; if I nurse my disappointment when I fail, instead of asking that to another the word of release may be given, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I do not forget about such a trifle as personal success, so that it never crosses my mind, or if it does, is never given room there; if the cup of flattery tastes sweet to me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If in the fellowship of service I seek to attach a friend to myself, so that others are caused to feel unwanted; if my friendships do not draw others deeper in, but are ungenerous (to myself, for myself), then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I refuse to allow one who is dear to me to suffer for the sake of Christ, if I do not see such suffering as the greatest honor that can be offered to any follower of the Crucified, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I slip into the place that can be filled by Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If my interest in the work of others is cool; if I think in terms of my own special work; if the burdens of others are not my burdens too, and their joys mine, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I wonder why something trying is allowed, and press for prayer that it may be removed; if I cannot be trusted with any disappointment, and cannot go on in peace under any mystery, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If the ultimate, the hardest, cannot be asked of me; if my fellows hesitate to ask it and turn to someone else, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    If I covet any place on earth but the dust at the foot of the Cross, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

    That which I know not, teach Thou me, O Lord, my God.

  6. Wow, Tia… powerful stuff. Talk about perspective! Thanks!

  7. Hi Confessions of Love. You do seem to have a lot of love for your fellow man and we can all thank God for that. But look a bit deeper inside your heart…do you want to consider that maybe jealousy or envy is in your heart toward these ministers of faith? Afterall, they have what you so desperately desire – they are living your dream – to have a ministry. Well ask God to erase all of that and then rejoice because you have ministered to many right here today.

  8. Hi solar… I thank you for your response, but I need to tell you that there isn’t any jealousy, as much as there is dissapointment in the lack of true pastoral focus. I am only 21, and have plenty of time to have a ministry at some point, I was just venting about a few things. I appreciate your comment.

  9. Hi tim,
    I can tell that there is a reason why God made you feel this way about these religious leaders..so they say. When you said you are no longer bitter with them, you are telling us about the goodness in you, and that elevating feeling in you. These experiences have raised your standards about what a Religious Leader should be…then maybe they were given to you to prepare you to meet the Greatest Preacher I’ve known Bro. Eli of the CHURCH OF GOD. I can tell there’s is a great work that awaits you in his ministry. I hope God will make a way for you to know each other.

  10. hi… this a wonderful post…
    i think God is the best that really described with what love.He continue loving us unconditionally …”For god so loved the world he gave his only begotten son, to be our savior”.God promised us the salvation and eternal, because He loves us much.That no matter how we turn back on him, still He is a loving Father that forgiven us.
    We may not see love…but we feel it, right?, that is how powerful and mysterious of love is…only we need an open mind and heart to believe it exist.

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